Hitting arrows with arrows

I've swapped emails, letters, posts, and phone calls with hundreds - maybe thousands? - of western men and Filipinas over the past decade, most of whom I met thru my website. If such a person is in the earliest part of his or her relationship, I am almost always asked the same question: How will I know this person is right for me?

Now, this question is hard enough for couples who have the luxury of living in the same city while dating, but it is much more difficult for couples who spend most of their courtship thousands of miles from one another. They try to learn all they can about each other through emails, phone calls, chats, letters, and the limited time they have together in the Philippines, Hong Kong, etc. , sure. But given the limited amount of actual "together time," should they really commit to live with one another for the rest of their lives...?

I admit this seems to be a shaky basis for a lifetime commitment, and I encourage all Fil-West couples to get to know their potential partners as best they can before agreeing to marry. However, keep in mind that there is a limitation on how well you can get to know anyone, whether in person, or by letter and phone, and even if you get to know that person extremely well, that doesn't guarantee you a lifetime of bliss.

Take a moment to think of your goals at this moment. Your interests. Your fears. Your loves. Now, think back ten years, twenty years...well, think as far back as you can. What most of you will see is that the "you" of today is not the same as the "you" of ten years ago. Probably even five years ago. And odds are, the you of today will be somewhat alien to the you of ten years from now. Your goals will change, as will your interests, your financial situation, etc. People change. You'll change. You already have.

Now, is it reasonable to assume that a person who falls in love with the you of today might be a little less enthused by what you might be ten years from now? Or that they would have ignored you completely ten years ago, because you were so different a person?

You're like an arrow in mid-flight.

That means you need to find a person who is so closely in tune with you that he or she can move with you as you continue on your trajectory to wherever it is you are headed. The problem is that your potential mate is an arrow, too, with his or her own trajectory. So even if you two meet - like arrows with paths that intersect in mid-air - there's a fair chance that you will both change in ways that could lead to a split later in your lives.

At first, this may sound discouraging, but I don't intend it to be. What I'm pointing out is that you should not get overly concerned about whether you and your potential spouse are, at this very moment, "perfect" for each other, because you're both going to change as you grow older. As you change, and your asawa changes, it will not matter that at one time you had the same interests and objectives. What will matter is that you have a relationship which is loving enough, and flexible enough, to tolerate and even embrace the changes you see in one another. Even as you both lose interest in old things and gain interest in new things, perhaps very different things, if there exists between you real love, you will remain happily together.

So instead of asking yourself only whether your potential partner shares your interests and long term objectives (those are still important), also ask yourself whether he or she is the kind of person can grow, and change, with you. Is he or she the kind of person who can accept you as you are, and as you will be, next year, ten years from now, fifty years from now... Even if you are not a "perfect" couple at this moment, remember that perfection is temporary, anyway. It can only last if neither of you ever change, and that's impossible.

If you who are dating a person who seems seems very different from you, but who loves you anyway, and if you love that person, too, you're actually a very blessed person. Perfection is temporary, but tolerance, acceptance, and love will last a lifetime.